Insecurities

It's so crazy how quickly time passes. So much has happened in the past year. If I had to put it into one word, I would choose, 'shift'. My life has shifted dramatically in the past year. I no longer live in AZ and find myself at a point of surrender that leaves me feeling a little insecure in a few areas. My father passed away a year ago this past July and since then, I have longed to move back to my hometown and be closer to family.

There were many times I felt very alone in AZ, especially the past 6 years after going through a divorce. I kept thinking that if I could just be closer to family, I would feel more complete, whole, accepted. I knew that no situation is ever perfect, but I had hoped that the longing for community and belonging would be satisfied. I also wanted my 2 children to experience life knowing their family. I wanted them to spend birthdays and Holidays with their Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. I was concerned that they would grow up never understanding or experiencing those family dynamics.

So, at the end of June 2012, we sold or gave away almost all of our belongings, packed the remainder in a 5'x8' U-haul trailer and drove to PA. My mother was kind enough to let us live with her while we got our new lives in order.

The insecurities come into play with the transition. I took a job serving tables at my friend's restaurant and I also clean an office a few times a month. This is so different from the office jobs I held in AZ. I am used to having medical insurance, a 401k and benefits. Now, I am taking food orders, cleaning toilets and living on tips. Don't get me wrong, this was definitely my choice. It's just very different from what I knew before. I chose this work so that I could concentrate on other projects in which I felt God was calling me to devote time. The projects are centered around creativity, God and nature. I also am able to see my kids off in the morning and be here when they return from school. This is a HUGE Blessing.

Another transitional insecurity is in the area of relationships. And when I say relationships I mean friends and family. It has been challenging to get to know family again and as far as friendships go, it is difficult to try to maintain a solid connection long distance. I have been blessed to have made a new friend here in PA at the church I attend, but I do have to say, I really miss my friends in AZ. Sometimes I long for the familiar and think of all that I left behind in the move. But, I know that God is calling me to a deeper dependence on him. I can honestly say that I don't feel I've ever let go of as much 'control' as I have in this process.

The insecurity of not really having a plan of my own but relying on God, is one that is bitter sweet. I do wrestle with wanting to do things my way and creating a false sense of security by attempting to map my route. But I know that HE knows better than I. Total reliance on HIM each moment of every day is what HE wants. It is stepping out into the unknown if looking through the eyes of our society. Keeping my eyes on HIM and HIS will allow me to see things differently. An exciting journey of where HE wants to lead me.

Blessings,
Monica