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I recently went through some serious growth and self evaluation.  Of course it didn't feel that way while I was in the middle of the process. It felt more like a broken heart and loneliness.

I really hate that no matter how 'healthy' I get or how much I 'grow', I always seem to have this knee jerk reaction of not feeling worthy. I know that these thoughts are bad fruits of seeds that were planted long ago in my childhood. Logically,I can evaluate why I feel this way and eventually talk myself back into reality of knowing my value - but it is still the default emotion. Just the awareness of this reaction acts as compass to point me in the right direction.

What I realized is that I was so afraid of making a mistake or going in the wrong direction, that I had isolated myself to a very few 'safe' activities and friendships. I essentially created my own personal bubble. Now, when we're at the beginning of healing or going through some major life changes, this can be a good thing. But this retreating of sorts has gone on for a couple of years now. I wanted to be safe and avoid any type of pain or guilt. What I ended up doing is feeling the pain of self inflicted isolation. 

Some good friends told me that they thought I was being way to 'careful' with life.  Even my dad told me that I needed to go have some fun. :)  I am so grateful to have these people in my life. I want to live my life, not stand and observe from a safe distance.  

I feel so excited and grateful for the chance to live.  REALLY LIVE. Even if it means getting hurt once in a while. I am finally open. Open to new experiences and new friends and allowing myself to enjoy life. I know that the Holy Spirit will guide me and keep me from going 'overboard'. I do not have to live in fear. 

Thank you God for this lesson. Thank you for opening my heart to the beauty of this life.